movement

the spiderman will have you for his dinner tonight..

2011-10-16T22:02:00.003+01:00

I am completely addicted to this song by The Cure-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXPsLFVejjI&feature=share

And in other news, I taught an Ashtanga class (to my friends) on Saturday morning.It was short and it felt wonderful :-D

life is always changing

2010-09-06T00:13:00.001+01:00

my wonderful boyfriend was here with me for two months.He left on Wednesday.I have lived alone since I was 16 years old.But after just two months,it feels unnatural to be alone..

keeping the faith

2010-06-20T00:30:00.002+01:00

this past year has been pretty tough,the past month especially so.as it stands,i find myself,by my own choice,quite alone.the initial estrangement from friends and family was hard and still I find myself lonely.but somehow i felt that i was going to shine somehow.

and i am finding direction.i could never figure out what i wanted to do.mainly because i wanted enough time to read,paint,practise yoga,dance,live,spend time with friends and family,devour music music ,eat,skydive,travel...list goes on.

it is coming to me.being alone is a blessing.i feel i can concentrate.feel i can decide what to do concentrate on my work and figure out what my priorities are.i feel ambition and direction and strength.

i believe :)

a question.

2009-11-13T18:02:00.000Z

do relationships have expiry dates?

life + love

2009-09-27T20:36:00.001+01:00

this ashtangi is playing at life.

playing at calm,playing at cool.

and is very much in love.

may twelfth

2009-05-12T22:29:00.002+01:00

amazing things happen to day 16 ashtanginis!feel like I'm getting somewhere on headstands,as in I still can't lift up but am starting to find my balance and lose some fear,felt much more comfortable in the forward stretches, and here's the real one- marichi D right sight binded(with Guruji of course).and i got a good!felt more stable on uthita hasta padangusthasana and could stay longer on prasarita padattonasanas.

And to think I was contemplating not going11(not laziness,have exams next week)

may tenth

2009-05-10T23:35:00.002+01:00

Practised with anna today.awesome she is.

Missed my practice (Saturday,Friday=Moon Day,Thursday couldn't go to shaala but did some sun salutations at home),glad to be back.

Need to breathe and get through this week, and the next..

may sixth

2009-05-07T00:09:00.003+01:00

time does fly..i like that analogy,time flying,i guess when we think of flight we think of movement and thus time flies...

day ten went by,without a hitch.i can foresee a potential hitch tomorrow though-can't make am@shaala as am going to Heathrow to meet moondizzy.And have classes till 1800 and then meeting Ms P for lunch.so its either a 5 am short practice at home or a late night practice?5 am looks unlikely as a)don't like practicing with a time limit b)had a rather large,rather late dinner!

But don't want to skip Day 11 as Day 12 is a moon day and Day 13 is a Saturday!

but why i really came to my movement page is to talk about my revision strategy.Quite honestly,from the past few days, I won't say that its working. Spending way too much time on the go. But don't really know how to change it.For example tomorow- Heathrow,PIL revision class, then Trademarks revision class till 1800,meeting Ms P for dinner,home. When shall I revise? Even those few hours @university are spent having lunch,printing,queueing,bumping into people.I suppose just being on a timetable makes me unable to relax.And when I'm not relaxed, my brain doesn't process information, it just looks to what I need to do next.

So what can I do? The best I can I suppose.And take as much time as possible to stay at home,undistracted. Friday I'll have the whole day and then I'm taking the evening off-seeing Judi Dench and then dinner +perhaps dancing. Hope the evening plans won't distract me in the day-I will try my best not to let it. Have a class on Saturday,can't avoid,but Sunday and Monday should be okay to be at home.Tuesday whole day is gone in classes and some of Wednesday. I guess its back to doing the best I can,as I can't see a way to skip classes.

Ideally if I could calm my mind I could speak to people and not let it bother me, and I could read before + after + in between classes.Lets hope and pray that I can do so:)

Came back to edit this post for a bit of shaala gossip.Okay here goes.I am just a fly-on-the-wall observer by the way.In the shaala I just seem to be non judgmental and just observe.Not saying this to cover my back(lol) but I guess I still very young and new to the shaala (its been about a year and 5 months now but I'm still the youngest) and I am new to the West as well! Like I've mentioned in other posts, being from the East makes it completely normal for me to trust and follow my teacher and to be grateful for his instruction and not to question him.

So I've been noticing how mad people get when they have to queue for a spot( non yogis, the shaala is small and there are limited spaces, so if it is full you'll have to wait till someones finished then you can start your practice) and do people get mad. they compete with each other like crazy for the spot, its dog eat dog.Some people complain loudly about the whole system.

The shaala is always busy.I went on Sunday around 0830 and on Monday(Bank holiday) around 0900 and it was busy both days.Today (a Wednesday) I went at 0900 and it was still busy.So there's no getting around it!To be honest I feel a bit amused but I suppose I have that luxury,being a student and having nowhere to go.I feel so grateful to practice at AYL, that I'm happy to wait for hours just to have a small practice.Maybe thats just because I'm used to that Eastern attitude.

Anyway,Sirsana really is different with Guruji.With him I feel like I;m flying somehow.My legs just go up and its just FUN! The other couple of times I did it with Denise and Louise, man it was WORK! I even started dreading it!

Savasana-I need to sort that out seriously.My brain goes- Aashna don't sleep.Other side of brain goes-sleep a bit...just a bit.I never fall asleep but drift into this weird about to sleep mode.

may first

2009-05-01T10:54:00.002+01:00

day 5 has gone by without any hassles....yes many things are new.Every time I start and stop my ashtanga practise I notice that there are new areas of my body that hurt, and new areas that don't.Favourite poses become tough and the ass-busters become well,relatively okay.

have been having trouble not being stressed out even while doing yoga!today's stresses were the too many hours I spend not on the internet, but worrying about the prospect of being anoyed by people on the internet- to explain, I'm very emotional and sometimes something someone wrote to me on gmail or facebook will upset me immensely.I know this happens for everyone, but it particularly bothers me when I'm in the zone to study and then suddenly something goes bam and my whole mood is gone.anyway, it stayed with me through, but afterwards going to tesco and seeing the sunshine in the front yard, and snap, and it was gone.Removed the gmail and fb links from my bookmarks bar, and plan to go online for half an hour every day.Either in the morning or the evening, and never during a study break.

As for the king of asanas, I seem to have a fear of balancing rightly!I seem to go over, bending my rib cage out so that it looks back-bendy. Trying hard to remedy, but some kind of fear keeps me from reaching to the other side.Have been feeling strange upside down lately.Upside down was my favourite,spent a lot of my childhood upside down- now it seems a bit strange,like I have to get used to it.And the fact that I can't breathe doesn't help!Must spend more time hanging from monkey bars!

Gorgeous and sunny outside...have a lovely day yogis..

twenty eight april

2009-04-28T11:15:00.002+01:00

self practise today.yes, the '5 more minutes' after switching off the 5 am alarm.you know how your body feels after the first day of practise, all it wants it rest and recovery and fluids.

but need to combat this feeling- its just the first few days (5 I think) and then my body toughens up.instead of despairing at my 5 am miss (well I despaired a little, and also am still working up the guts to ask Hamish if I can come at 10 am when I miss 6 am,surely the shaala is not so busy then?) I got on the mat at home and did my whole practice except Marichi D and Sirsasana.

With regards to awareness, mine hasn't been amazing recently but I'm not worrying about it.Nor am I worryin about Mula Bandha(also am still finishing moonday). Even during Savasana mind will wander, well,race actually.But I've found the thing to do is not worry and keep going with my practise.

I want to apply the lessons I learn in yoga to my life- so for my studies, just keep going, don't worry if mind wanders, just do it..

Noticed my bleeding foot afterwards-deja vu of the time the same happened at AYL, and I took the mat home to wash, fell asleep on the long bus ride home, and left the mat on the bus being disorientated and waking up at just my stop.I was so embarassed to tell Guruji!But he was cool, he said now someone else can use it:)

Need to put my bandage on, and get my irie on :)

twenty seventh april

2009-04-27T08:58:00.003+01:00

according to movement, the last time I did a session at the shala was on 15th December. So congratulations to me for getting back on the mat :)

I'm just reminded of the excruciating pain we put ourselves through! All the forward bending poses, ouch on the legs. Oo today in the king of asanas, while going up, and again coming down, I felt a vicious pain in my lower back. Didn't warm myself up enough? Didn't stay long enough in Navasana (I didn't cheat Navasana, was tempted to stop at 4, but I didn't, couldn't lift myself up though).

And my favourite scratch on the upside of foot while trying to to do the jump-through is back!

All in all, a good practice, good sweat, feelin' fine :)

The evening after- had to nap today in the evening-up at 9 pm and some crazy body aches and dhydration going on,aah the first day back...

Sharath Ragaswamy coming to London!No way I can miss this!

Was thinking about taking up the 30 day challenge but I'm sure I've done more before..so just as long as I'm in London wil suffice

Between yoga and Madeleine Peyroux (listening to Careless Love now) I feel so happy to be alive.

21 days to exams. I can do this.

one song for everyone

2009-04-16T00:24:00.005+01:00

wouldn't it be nice, if we all knew one song, and could sing along?

the idea came to be during Trilok Gurty's encore at the Jazz Cafe- he played a tune that many were singing along to, pretty and melodic.It's so nice when people share like that..

good show.not mind blowing,but I REALLY enjoyed the last song he played (encore time). It makes sense to not madly love everything for me though, firstly I've become more critical (hey I went to see Hervie Hancock live!!) and also I can't take all his albums. But I am a big fan of his, no doubt, and I enjoyed. Just didn't go into the trance like state I sometimes do. Enjoyed him speaking though, very articulate, funny, audience engaging.

Bought a Songlines magazine + now listening to Songlines Top of the Worls. Fun!

Recovering from yesterday's eye operation still.

Off to listen to the apprentice now :)Trilok Gurtu – Ten Fifty Two

(download spotify if ur in the UK or anywhere else they have it.Trilok Gurtu – Have We Lost Our Dream?

Trust me, you won't regret it..)

Trilok played a track based upon an event in the Bhagavad Gita and another called Glimpses..about the Lord we never get to glimpse yet try so hard..

No Line on The Horizon

2009-04-12T19:08:00.003+01:00

'The bit that distracted me from the triumphant performance was the moment the band began to play “City of Blinding Lights,” from “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb.” The crowd went berserk, as it had been doing fairly consistently all night. (Many big arena shows hit a perceptible longueur somewhere around Hour 2, but U2’s don’t.) The audience was going perceptibly more berserk for this particular song. I realized that I was hearing, for the third or fourth time, the evening’s loudest applause for a recent single. When the band played the first U2 song I ever encountered, 1980’s “I Will Follow,” the crowd seemed fairly happy, though in a slightly polite way. (This is the inverse of the “Satisfaction” effect, easily witnessed at any Stones show.) What other band, three decades into the game, gets its most intense audience reaction with new songs? There is no need to stage a legend Olympics between U2 and AC/DC and the Eagles and the Allman Brothers and the Stones—plenty of bands are holding up well into their rock-and-roll winter. But the only band of this vintage consistently generating new hits that bring in a younger crop of fans every five years is U2. What U2 song do my pre-teen sons know? “Vertigo,” from 2004.'

http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/musical/2009/04/06/090406crmu_music_frerejones?currentPage=all

No plagiarism issues please- I didn't write this- above is a quote from the article in The New Yorker by Sasha Frere -Jones.

Brilliant observation. I observe myself, U2 fan since the days of my own pre-teens. And surely, when I go to see them (you note I say when, yes we must be optimistic), I will feel a rush when i hear the opening sounds of Magnificent- at present my 'on repeat' track from No Line.

Revisiting this post to write more about No Line.This album was the reason I downloaded Spotify, having heard that U2's new album was out via trusty facebook, and that I could listen to it for free from Spotify (whose name I had memorised from an In-Flight magazine flying from Dubai-London).. and the rest is history. I don't search for random stuff on Spotify, it's more like repeat listening to 'No Line' and some other albums I like.I really like No Line.Some may say its familiar but since I've already established I like U2's sound...works for me !!Fez-Being Born, I must say is very different. Magnificent is my all time favourite. My top song.

gettin' ma groove on

2009-04-11T18:21:00.004+01:00

i have realised that all i need to do to ace my exams is get my confidence back. and i'm not talking smug,secret smiley confidence (although that is definitely part of the deal). I'm talkin' confidence to the point of being arrogant, unbearably smug and just being one of those totally up themselves jackasses who you just cannot bear to be in the same room as. The type of person who you think really needs to realise that they are just one of a million, and it takes all of your 'DESTROY THE EGO' mantras just to stand each sentence that comes out of their mouths.

The type of person who makes you think, dam, that's why the world is so harsh for some, its because this type of arrogant egoistic twits exist who think SO MUCH of themselves that no one else matters.The kind of person that makes you realise that you are so happy you didn't get trapped in that bubble, that you know better and in this realisation you realise that you consider yourself one up on them, exactly what you (presumably) want to avoid...

And the type of person that makes you feel glad that you can hold your own. That you are young, beautiful, fit, intelligent, come from a good family (oh yes it matters) and whether or not you believe in them, according to 'CRITERIA' you fit- you worked in top places, got good grades, know the right people, or better yet, don't care about the people cos you can.

You know who I mean?

Well that's who I need to be. And believe it or not, that person ain't too far from my former self. Before I accepted (why did I ever accept) that I'm the lazy, confused type of jackass, I had that confidence. The confidence to believe that I am a FORMIDABLE OPPONENT. That I could lead not only LSE's debate team but WIN against Harvard (or NSU, they seem pretty formidable too). That I could be on LSE's Mooting Team and take my team to the Finals. That I can be the best dancer without practising except in my head. That I could win essay competitions and have my articles published in the Times.and most importantly, that i could skip all my lectures, all my classes, bunk my readings, sleep if I felt like it, wake up and bunk school cos I felt watching Dance Like A Man was better for my happiness and my soul, and continue to do so for THREE YEARS, and at the end, study for 3 weeks (maybe 16 days realistically, of real studying) and still KICK EVERYONE'S ASS and continue to live the same way for the rest of my life. I AM THE FORMIDABLE OPPONENT whom other students see and think its not FAIR that I have to compete with HER.

space is the place

2009-03-11T12:45:00.001Z

Okay, for those of you who have downloaded the wonderful spotify, search Sun Ra and listen to 'Space is the Place' (there are a few that come up, I'm working my way through them now)

Jerry Dammers and the Spatial Orchestra! Are the people I went to see at the Barbican.It was an awesome gig, a tribute gig to Sun Ra and some others.

Sun Ra hailed from Saturn, and his sounds are accordingly cool and spacey and jazzy. So was the stage and the performers- spaceship on stage, cool costumes, headdresses, the works! Having heard of Sun Ra's tune Saturn through Jamie Cullum's show on BBC Radio 3, I was a little bit familiar and really enjoyed myself, they played tributes to Alice Coltrane and some others too.

Amazing collection of musicians including Zoe Rahman and Patrick Illingworth (both looking very cool in their space-age outfits). It always amazes me how musicians in this country work together on such interesting projects and do such cool things ! I mean, they do their own thing but can also be led + collaborate with others. V shanti-ful.

They entered and left the stage in a chanting chain, playing instruments and being very spacey-

One of my favourite tunes was the Batman theme song- done in a jazzy way- wow I wish I could get ahold of that.

Another awesome one which you must check out is SPACE IS THE PLACE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90_dHd_ZgnA&feature=related

living in the moment

2009-03-11T01:39:00.000Z

movement: the jungle

My friend texted me today,writing to me about his work. The ultimate line was 'But all I really want is the jungle!' Got me thinking, (as everything does), and I realised I haven't thought of the jungle for a while (daydreams have been on mermaids and lagoons,blue dreams,jungle dreams are lush green ones...)

The way I think, I'm always planning ahead, looking forward,thinking about yoga, dancing, looking forward to a crazy life, travelling the world, so many things I think about,so many songs I listen to and pictures I draw, in my mind..

And I have been doing that,of course. Imagining myself dancing, drawing... but what I'm trying to say is, that right now, I am so into what I'm doing, living this moment, so intensely into my life and the way it is right now- that I don't really wish myself to be somewhere else. I am really into my degree and sorting yoga out and wanting to get into this routine and finding academic satisfaction, and I realised today that this is really beautiful. This is where I always think about gettingto, and right now I feel like I am there..I don't know if it will last, but for now,I am living my life, the way I want to, thinking about the now.

space is the place

2009-03-11T01:06:00.001Z

'nobody said it was easy
it's such a shame for us to part..'

concert was excellent...wanted to write a litttle bit more...but coldplay is carrying me away...

the test

2009-03-10T16:41:00.002Z

Feeling very positive about this term's work and the upcoming Easter break during which I will kick revisions bum and really grasp all 4 of my subjects, I went to see my personal tutor. Unfortunately she advised me against sitting the exams based on my patchy attendance and lack of coursework. I am feeling very down about this. My bubble just kind of burst.
It's a true test for me, to see if I can ride this positive wave and believe in myself enough to not let stuff get to me.

Anyway moments after that Zoe called me to say she has kept a ticket for me if I want it for her show tonight at the Barbican ! I am feeling much cheered.Here is the link-
http://www.barbican.org.uk/music/event-detail.asp?ID=8458

I must not despair and continue with my PIL coursework, which is due in on Thursday.

freedom

2009-03-08T02:16:00.000Z

i feel so free.lying in my bed, listening to U2, writing my blog...

22 and counting

2009-03-08T01:58:00.002Z

there's a second layer of lines under my eyes ! seriously! I see my friends sometimes and the lines under their eyes, wow, what these years of studying have done to us, and I'm so pleased I don't study too much !Well didn't study too much, I think this second layer of lines has settled because of study stress and I think its here to stay!
Jurisprudence essay due in Tuesday. I read Robert Reiner's chapter in full and didn't really understand it....oh dumb is me.
I really want to write my book now. Maybe after my exams.
news on the yoga front? well, good news. will start for sure in 2 weeks when classes are over. and this time i'm serious
other news on the yoga front- I think its going well. I mean the thought process. Not in terms of individual situations, but overall, as a whole, I think I'm more chilled out :)
And, a year anniversary of my oum tattoo has passed. Peace to you people :)

fifteenth december

2008-12-15T08:25:00.001Z

i can finally write about yoga again, yes I went to the shala.
Hadn't slept all night so was a bit all over the place. And very inflexible and slippery but I enjoyed myself oh. so much.
to many more...

2008-12-05T03:02:00.001Z

disjointed
disconnected
inside myself,unsure
delving further inside
tangled,despising
trapped,unable to see
the web i'm in
let me call this person X
who,somehow i want to relate to
all i ever know
is i am alone

Nov 26th, 2008

2008-11-27T02:26:00.003Z

Right now I'm stuck to the breaking news from Mumbai-
http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/video/video_live.aspx?id=0
For the benefit of later readers, Taj, Trident, under siege, terrorist attack, no real news, about 80 dead,110 injured ( as far as is known), Oberoi, other hotels also attacked, over 150 people trapped in hotels. Reporters trying hard to bring in news but everyone seems equally unsure about what's going on

0306 GMT A guest at the hotel, Deepak, spoke to NDTV using his telephone. He was very calm and said that telephone operators at the Taj were keeping them informed via intercom. He had been told to keep the blinds down and turn the lights out.He congratulated the Taj's management and mourned the loss of the valiant police officers who gave their lives trying to protect the guests.

i love, my life

2008-11-13T16:52:00.002Z

i'm riding a very positive wave for the past few days
chaos is in its natural order all around me
and i am not coping but riding, choosing not moving along.
thoughts and thoughts and thoughts don't cloud my brain but colour it
and it is all mine

the jungle

2008-10-27T00:00:00.001Z

A place in my mind’s eye, when people and beings around me weigh me down, weigh me down with expectations and love and my own yearnings for people, for love bind me into never ending samsara. A place I go to, threaten to retire to, go for peace, go for release..
When samsara overcomes me and desire overtakes me, when being human, living, every little aspect, seems black, even what is light and beautiful and true at other times.
When feelings can’t be controlled and you fear for yourself and the person you may become..
The jungle. A life alone. Away from society. I see green, lush,lush green. I see myself alone and away from societies nuances, art, drama, flirtations, love..
I chose. I chose to live in this concrete jungle, to live within the shackles of samsara. But every now and again, I forget why..

expectations

2008-10-26T23:50:00.002Z

i feel weighed down.
light, love and tiptoes...that's where i want to be.
heavy, stilled and unmoving- that's where i feel i am.

melodies

2008-10-23T23:09:00.002+01:00

last night went to see arun ghosh at the vortex. Really lovely,Arun Ghosh on clarinet, Kishon Khan on piano, Idris Rahman on tenor saxophone, Liran Donin on bass, Pat Illingworth on drums and Nilesh Gulhane on table. What a line up.I was drawn into it with full intensity from the first note.

this year has been awesome for gigs. On the 19th we went to see Julia Biel at Cafe Koha. Her voice...it just takes me away into this other world...she was followed by Phil King, who was lovely too, reminded me of my love JJ (Jack Johnson) in some ways... but like I said the world, the beautiful parallel universe that i'm taken to by the beautiful songbird, it's so hard to come back down, for some time i cannot function but simply absorb the lingering remnants of the music she creates..

while listening to the space and sounds arun + band created i realised, as i am realising all the time, how much i will miss london. and side by side, realsing, with a sense of finality, that i will actually leave london

(SO SHE SAYS)

saddho re

2008-10-21T01:57:00.002+01:00

two thousand and eight

2008-10-20T00:30:00.002+01:00

i'm starting to notice the lines under my eyes
the skin that looks stretched when tired
the sudden maturity in my eyes when i'm sad..

i'm starting to realise that i look different now
different somehow
at first i thought
if ever i accept that i truly look this way
and this is not just something 9 hours of sleep can remedy..
i'll learn to make it up
foundation,cover up,maybe its a lifestyle change
maybe more hours in front of the mirror
maybe give up the 'out of the shower,out the door' forever

till i realised that this is me
this is my what i look like
lines,wrinkles,dry skin
all accompany perfect lips,expressive eyes

now what?

i guess you can't hold on to your youth forever. true, now i may be the 21 year old that all the 20 somethings,30 somethings,40 somethings crave.but the tables are going to turn on me, and much faster than i can ever realise..

life has been good to me...but when? I really don't know..it's just whizzed by and yes, yes I am living the dream, always living the dream..

as i get older am i going to think about such things? love, and settling down? will i worry about not having a stable income? will i go out and live my dream?

consumed by sadness

2008-08-10T00:28:00.001+01:00

love and light, not today
i am consumed by an overwhelming sadness.
why, beats me?

i think i'm lonely.

life just couldn;t be better

2008-07-26T09:01:00.001+01:00

i is having the best summer holiday ever!!!

customs

2008-07-22T05:05:00.001+01:00

well each country has their own.
US don't seem to like mine...where are you?why?how long?again why?you have family here, NY and Dallas?Where'd you meet friend in Toronto?What did you do here?What you do in NY? Your bag so small?Where are your clothes?What do you change into??

Death Will Never Conquer

2008-07-18T18:21:00.002+01:00

Mr Drummer sang this at MSG and now its on their website :) So pleased I am.

If sweet death
Should ever conquer me
Let me know
Boys, let me know
If you hear him coming
Won't you let me flee
Let me go, boys, let me go

One day
Death is gonna conquer me
I'll be down
Where the waters flow
I hope sweet Heaven
Is a place for me
Let me know
Boys, let me know

If sweet death
Should ever conquer me
Take me down
To some place below
If you hear him coming
Won't you set me free
Let me go
Boys, let me go

If you hear him comin'
Won't you say for me
That i just
Don't want to go

emily dickinson

2008-07-14T09:11:00.002+01:00

For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ectasty.

For each beloved hour
Sharp pittances of years,
Bitter contested farthings
And coffers heaped with tears.

I guess my recent trip to Amherst sparked me to read up on Dickinson. I just came across this. So compact, and precise, so much is said, in so little words.

But is it true?

What do us yogis think? About ecstasy, about sadness? I would suppose we try to achieve a constant level sort of, of fulfilment, stillness.

I was telling my friend today that I have moments,phases you could say, months when I'm into yogic thought, philosophy, non attachment, stillness.

And then sometimes I feel like just being human. Or I have no other choice. Plunge into the deep ocean of samsara.

lots of movements

2008-07-13T06:00:00.001+01:00

Amherst to NY

NY to Toronto

Oakville yesterday

Toronto again today :)

peace pagoda

2008-07-03T03:47:00.002+01:00

today we went to the peace pagoda,it was lovely, a small taste of thailand.

everywhere i go, i try to find , to recreate the me, the thailand in me.

travelling...

2008-07-02T05:04:00.001+01:00

I'm in Amherst now.It's very pretty. Took a bus here from NY.

Thought I'd write that as people generally write about travel in their blogs :)

lost...

2008-06-30T07:22:00.002+01:00

it's all been up and down again.

a looked forward to holiday, a bad buzz in a new city.

a confused little girl, still dreaming of bus rides across continents, but yet a little dazed, a little bound, craving home, and not knowing where home may be.

not looking forward to the too long bus rides ahead.

a broken back.

but nursing, nursing, still confused, but coming back.

free at last..

2008-06-18T11:37:00.000+01:00

last night I handed in my essay on culture v human rights.it's done, it's done, i'm won, i'm won..

Where Rivers Meet- pt II

2008-06-11T11:44:00.002+01:00

Where Rivers Meet

2008-06-11T11:42:00.002+01:00

two perfect days..

2008-06-11T03:22:00.004+01:00

yesterday, was perfect, and today, perfect, again.

yesterday- yoga, then uni, read articles while drinking tea, eating apples, bananas and smoking cigarettes at the LSE cafe, the Garrick. Lunch at Lincolns Inn Fields with my friend Mark, and then back to uni to meet my personal tutor regarding subject choices. Then more time in the Garrick reading, my reading speed has increased from 7 min/page to

about 1.2 min/page (I have a stopwatch and time everything, helps keep me motivated), then when that got loud, some time in the library.

went to ULU, had a very quick swim, then met a friend who I went to drummond Street with and had some samosas,aloo chaat and all.

today- didn't manage to wake up for yoga, rested my aching body, woke up at one, didn't study or go to the library as I was overcome with the urge to paint.and paint i did.

went next 2 cass art shop bought fixative to fix the pastel. tried 2 study in the park after but ended up looking at the painting to see whether i should work into the first one.

then to London College of Communication, a frnds exhibition.

then to Brixton, met another frnd and my brother, to see the Soothsayers jam!

How perfect :)

wobbles

2008-06-09T22:18:00.000+01:00

today in Sirsasana, Aileen was telling me I'm wobbly.

my practice is representative of my state of mind- off balance.

and u know what, I love it :)

Green

2008-06-09T15:26:00.001+01:00

the post below..

2008-06-08T13:06:00.003+01:00

this blog is getting more and more personal for me by the day. first of all I put my pictures on the main page! Didn't think I'd be doing that..

But my blog is personal to me.I share intimate thoughts here. So it feels natural for it to become more so...

and thus the post below, an intimate, emotional email written about my love, Coldplay. bilingual as I am, some of the lines are translated in brackets.

Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends

2008-06-08T13:03:00.003+01:00

Hi guys,

Ziad and Fariza left for Dhaka last night. Lucky people in Dhaka will have my best friends, as yours..

Needless to say I am a bit devastated, but never mind, life goes on...

Last night amar flat e house party chilo.(Translation- last night there was a house party in my flat) As always I have woken up and am amazed at my drunken sensibility. I just realised, I warmed up food, ate it while watching House, and even took a sleeping pill when I couldn't sleep ( I actually RARELY do that but I need to study today so I guess I then thought it necessary)

But I wouldn't even have remembered if I hadn't seen the open Quick Time file with House and the food containers. Madness no?

I am waiting for the day when I will actually fall asleep in my clothes, forget abt taking off my makeup and lenses!!! But hasn't hapened yet...

Whats up with me? Well I just found the last article I need for my essay, the book is returned to the library, I just have to collect it :) Ektu pore ber hobo. (Translation:Will leave in a bit)

There's a reggae festival in Clissold Park, which is just across the road from me, so I'll head there later.

But what I really wanted to write about, is Coldplay's new album. Actually there's a lot of people on this list so Ill just make it clear, I love you all, but I just can't take any negative opinions about Coldplay. It would hurt me a lot, so I urge you all, just enjoy my happiness, and don't do it.

Oh dear, now I afear to write about my feelings for Viva La Vida in case anyone disses it...hang on, I'll edit the recipient list..okay, edited :)

Well basically I have a lot of the album, but am missing a few tracks. I Tunes has two bonus tracks so I guess I'll have to buy the album from I Tunes...but I want the physical copy too!!! So waiting a bit longer...dodged...

Am streaming the album of M Space now, coldplay being the wonderful people they are, have put the whole album on my space to stream :) Not sure if they have the hidden track there though...

So will just listen here, am also making sure that the songs I do have are originals, there are many fakes about, but since the ones I have are from Bubu + Ajju (DIE hard fans) I doubt it. Am also working through the track listing, I'm anal about that, can't listen to tracks out of order, thing is, Itunes doesn't always put it in order, and I don't even know how to select an album to listen to, yes I'm crap with ITunes, Laruse you have to teach me.

Viva La Vida, the title track.....well....I don't know what to say...its blowing me away...so I won't say.

Coldplay, my heaven, on earth.

Viva La Vida (the name) is taken from a painting by Frida Kahlo. Viva la Vida (Spanish for Long Live Life) takes its name from a painting[2] byFrida Kahlo, the acclaimed 20th century Mexican artist. The album's artwork features the painting Liberty Leading the People (La Liberté guidant le peuple) by French painter Eugène Delacroix, commemorating the July Revolution of1830. (Wiki)

I'm trying to find Frida's painting (am a big fan of hers)

Coldplay also released a B side with an NME magazine, it was a 7 inch hence I didn't get it, but Bubu managed to get us the tracks :) So I have that also...

You guys can tell, I;m sure, I'm just in bliss...

I mean, they're just ..........I mean......I can't explain it....they do the ultimate things, things I love, like hidden tracks, my space streaming, b-sides I need to jogarafy, album artwork thats mind blowing and takes u back to French History and rekindles ur love for a Mexican artist....

its just so involving, so very me.

Coldplay completely sold out for UK Tour. Yes I was devastated. I bought a very expensive ticket to see them in Manchester in December, cheapest I could get. Am happy :)

Well I'm on the last track now from My space..will shower and head to library, not sure If i'll eat at home or out.

love, love.

The Guest House

2008-06-05T21:30:00.002+01:00

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably,
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

RUMI

today at the shaala(yes I finally went yesterday) my mind was everywhere. i had a little upset last night, and was down. i was sad, among other things, that even at my sanctuary, my haven, the shaala, with Guruji around, I could not still the wandering mind.

on my way out, on the AYL noticeboard.i read it, took it in, and after a very very very long time, tears streamed down my cheeks.

is shocked.

2008-06-03T04:45:00.001+01:00

at my own stupidity.today, I am up, it is now 446 am, have not slept all night, to go to yoga. thought, ok, i'll write in blog. but guess what. I just checked moon days to be sure- and today is one.

Oh woe, is me :(

Liverpool street station

2008-06-01T22:53:00.001+01:00

last night was pure madness.

'Boris is a wanker:P'

the insomniac..

2008-05-29T00:46:00.002+01:00

have i mentioned that I'm an insomniac?

i'm determined to go to Guruji tomorrow.Done with exams for now, with an assignment due in for 18th June.

was exhausted at 10 and went to bed, only to wake up all night-marey at midnight

'Tis quarter to one now.

No matter, I know going back to yoga will start the slow process of change again. Start again, to arrest the wandering mind. Try to find my balance, my peace, again.

some random...

2008-05-24T19:26:00.003+01:00

I wrote this poem yesterday in Bengali. Thing is, my Bengali, well it ain't great, the whole thing is rather immature, but I enjoyed it. I'm translating it below-

ami ektu ektu koray bujhte parchi

je tumi shotti amay bhalobasho

aaste aaste bujhte parchi

amar obishashe tumi keno hasho

ekta ekta kore kotha mone hoy

aami hoyto prokash korlam amar aasha

hoyto tomake ektu shondeho korlaam?

heshe uriye dile amar kotha.

Nijeke prokash korte pari ni bolay ami fit

Asholay tomar prokash e chilo bhul

Bapaar na.

Aaste aaste to bujhte parchi

Shotter dike egiye jacchi.

I won't transliterate but translate.

Bit by bit I'm beginning to understand

That your love for me is real.

Slowly,slowly I am starting to comprehend

Why you laugh at my disbelief.

One by one memories come up

Maybe I told you bout my hopes,dreams,expectations

Maybe I doubted you a little

You'd laugh it all away..

I thought I couldn't express myself just right.

Actually it's YOU who couldn't express it right.

No worries.

Bit by bit I'm starting to get it!

Ram Nam Sat Hai, The Name of God is Truth.

(In the original the last line transliterates- I'm moving towards the path of truth, but Ram Nam Sat Hai expresses it better)

Please listen to Jamie Cullum people. Right now I am listening to Twenty Something (Album name).

heaven holds a sense of wonder..

2008-05-12T02:14:00.003+01:00

the wandering mind.

how much it wanders.you command it to be still. and yet it won't be.

makes me wonder, does that mean, I actually don't want my mind to be still? I want it to wander? I need to think through what I'm thinking through?

That I don't want to stop. Don't want to concentrate on the task at hand.

Somehow,somewhere I want to believe, that my subconscious knows what its doing. By letting my mind wander, I am preventing a greater evil. Or indulging in a greater pleasure?

'I can't help this longing

Comfort me

I can't hold it all in

If you won't let me'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZ0coaD6RMg

(As you may or may not be able to tell, I have an exam on Tuesday.That I cannot seem to study for. I really do wonder why-)

ups and downs...

2008-04-27T22:44:00.003+01:00

how to comprehend myself...
when I think of life in the past month..especially since the 16th of April..all I can see are creativity, passion, love....a general willingness to embrace life, to be creative, to create, create, explore, be free, flying....no more constraints..eat when I feel like, live how I feel like, nothing is a problem, everything is flowing..
but my mind plays a strange trick...when I'm down, I forget the ups. And ups forget the downs. Consolidating myself, I am learning to do. And then I remember the moments so dark, so down, so devoid of light, that death seems the most consoling option,

I seem to be unable to be sad, to cry..unable I say, but actually...I don't even think about it...

I am trying to bring my worlds together..to experience sadness, to take the pain..

But I do take the pain. A part of me suffers, every second.And yet at the same time, lives.

How to make sense of it? What is it within me that visualises the blood, the death, the aftermath, and what is it that forgets all about it afterwards?

relationships and creativity

2008-04-25T01:08:00.002+01:00

So how about this relationship between relationships and creativity?I myself have been feeling immensely creative..since about the 16th...a little earlier than that...broken relationships and suddenly i feel free, flying, creative, expressive, capable, proactive, free, free free...

gratitude

2008-04-24T22:15:00.002+01:00

Guruji, thank you for being there.

When you were gone there was no light in my life and yet I learned to pratise non attachment.
http://laurencahn.blogspot.com/2008/04/constant.html

my new vest...

2008-04-24T09:31:00.004+01:00

today was the day.

2008-04-23T23:43:00.001+01:00

i saw Guruji...

tomorrow..

2008-04-21T21:28:00.002+01:00

I think tomorrow is the day I get to see Guruji again...

Today I bought Julia Biel's album 'Not Alone.' It's lovely,have a look at her website..

http://www.juliabiel.com/

Just read on her website that she has a gig tomorrow!Hmm..temptations....

Me at LSE library now. Have read through all the cases for my assignment. Now may skim one or two articles before starting the actual writing.

Guess I'll head home now though. Don;t want to risk missing the morning rising timing...

lives and loves

2008-04-19T11:21:00.001+01:00

aashna cannot wait to see Guruji...

the moon, and madness

2008-04-18T13:18:00.002+01:00

I'm not going to explore the link here scientifically...all I know is...everything seems to be crazily tripped out...and not just for myself....all around me - relationships are breaking up, not one, but two, but three but four and on, and my own and other relationships turn more and more complicated, but it doesn't even become about that because everyone, not just myself, seems to be so tripped out that they/we live in another world together which is itself disoriented and mad...not like its the central issue in a normal world, where u think about it for 24 hours and eventually ur okay..the issues cease to be issues and become a part of life, and you would need to step out of it for a fraction of a second to realise that these conversations are all stilted the movements are all jerky and the words are not the people's own..

I have not come out of my bubble yet to see myself but I have had small moments of analysis where I will think,,hey why would I say that and why would such and such react that way?

In my world, there is no morally grey.

rollercoaster, baby

2008-04-17T18:07:00.000+01:00

I am on a crazy rollercoaster ride. Life, loves, dreams, ups, downs, no sleep for weeks....

Wishing the period to end, so I can go back to Guruji

Guruji I miss you.

I'm back in London :)

yoga love, karma yoga

2008-04-13T06:04:00.002+01:00

Guess where I am, I am sitting in Coffee World, a coffee shop in my beautiful city taking advantage of the amazing wireless internet.

People who know anything at all about Dhaka, Bangladesh will appreciate how amazing this is, and how much I'm enjoying myself , just to be able to have this opportunity :)

My assignment on the Scheduled Caste and Scheduled Tribe (Prevention of Atrocities) Act 1989, Is due in tomorrow, London time.

Little brekkie for me, then back to work. (Yum cheese and tomato on waffle bread, as they say:))

I love our practice. In my spare time I sit in Yoga Mudra, Go back into Tops Turvy poses, try Sirsasana ....

i wanna walk with you....on a cloudy day..

2008-04-08T21:16:00.002+01:00

aah Dhaka city, the city of lovers. I have been connecting with my yoga love beautifully, working through my entire sequence (as much as I can unassisted anyway) and not even skipping on Navasana...the heat is lovely. It helps so much, its unbelievable. Usually when I start up again from a break, I'm so stiff, but now the heat really does seem to help..

I do miss writing in my blog, ever so much. the internet connection is awful, but I'm working on sorting it.

Today I took four, not one, precious stone rings from my mother to wear. how's that for destroying the ego?

Everyone, listen to karsh Kale.

peace people.om shantii.

dubai.

2008-04-01T07:20:00.002+01:00

that's where I am now, not outside though, inside the airport, in the business class lounge.

flight was okay considering I had a window seat and had to climb some people to get out, I'm an aisle person.

Really pretty Dubai looks today, I have a 6 hour stopover, I was SO tempted to leave the airport but don't really know where to go..

i am feeling rather materialistic after browsing through the shops at Dubai! The life of contradictions.

reading a translation of patanjali's yoga sutra's but it's a very 'pure' translation, that is a lot of the words are in sanskrit. may have to get myself sth easier!!

hari prasad chaurasia

2008-03-30T02:42:00.004+01:00

today I was blessed enough to see hari prasad chaurasia. for those of you who do not know who he is, you too are lucky, as this next video will enlighten you-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5w7ToxsrUw

It was really a blessing that we got to see him, tickets had been sold out for months. And the kosmos is so kind, we saw him, not as the audience but as part of the stage. Sitting at the edge of the very stage he performed on -

He started with Yaman (Emon in Bengali) and played for well over an hour. Myself I (thought I was) am very familiar with this raaga, but did not recognise it, he played it in such a unique way.

After the interval he played Bihar,Pillu, Pahari and two others which I will recall later.

He is such a humorous and peaceful man, he smiles, and makes jokes with the audience, He has such an innocence about him. You can see in him yoga.

May Krishna be with Hari Prasad Chaurasia.

yum yum yum ..

2008-03-27T19:05:00.003Z

I have just been to the greengrocer around the corner. I got what I thought were artichokes but are apparently not according to the pictures I see on the internet! Mandarins, Apples, Plums, Dates, Cauliflower, Tomatoes, Aubergines and Capsicums. Yum.

I am chesty coughy and slightly fevery at the moment but with all the fruits and greens and rest who can help but get better. This morning I had Kiwi, Apple, Banana, with some Tropicana blended together.I've also had at least 5 clementines.

Yesterday I made juice with two bananas and five large oranges.

anyway I be off to cook now. I think what I'll have is..cauiflower and potato curry, and aubergine and tomato curry, white basmati rice, and daal. (Lentil curry).

Really missing my phone, which is out of action, as it has an awesome camera!

So I've been home last couple of days recovering :)

Okay reason I stopped to write this post. There is a blog that is a MUST SEE for everyone. Yogi, Non yogis, vegetarians, non veg, alike. Here you go !

http://recipejunction.blogspot.com/

I know I owe a post (or several) about the meditation, I do!!

thank you..

2008-03-25T18:22:00.002Z

i would like to thank everyone who has visited this blog, no matter how short the time span, whether by mistake or magic..

Visits have come from all over the world, Dublin, Brighton,Riyadh,Chicago, Taiwan, India, Luxembourgh.

Thank you for visiting and for encouraging me to practice, and write.

day.two.

2008-03-22T23:47:00.001Z

day two was better.

we did a funky time travel meditation thing (I'll detail all later), goals and visualisation meditation, and healing meditation.

but now to sleep before day three.

quantum methods, day one

2008-03-21T22:48:00.002Z

today was first day of the course. I don't really want to say anything about it, as he told us today to just take the four days of the course to listen.later we can judge whether this fits in with our personal philosophies, etc etc.

but 9-7. Long.

i'm sure tomorrow will bring good things :)

an errant yogini

2008-03-21T01:00:00.002Z

the whole week has been a cycle of sleeping at about the time i need to get to the shaala, over indulging food-wise, not indulging in ANY karma yoga (the essay meant to be researched by now is still alive only in thoughts) and general what people do when the break from uni and its cold.

ANWAY.

Tomorrow I'm going to a session on quantum methods, which will probably be three days long. I don't know much about it myself except that I'm looking forward to it:)

Hopefully I'll start the essay soon. I thought I'd write about it here... after all its my blog so I can write whatever I want :)

But maybe not right now. My mind is still in the mode of, no one wants to hear about this, (which isn't the point) but having lived with a sibling that's how I've been conditioned. So it can wait.

Trying to get 2 bed :)

topsy turvy

2008-03-18T23:32:00.003Z

that was me ! topsy turveee....

here's the story-

last night was mom's surprise birthday and having come home at 1 am and also having stuffed my face with so much non sattvic biryani that it was coming up in small mouthfuls unsurprisingly forego practice (good thing apparently, read on mind bending's blog that the crowds are ku-rayzee). But remember the rule, miss the shaala, practice at home!

I was reading on Elise's blog about half vinyasas and full vinyasas. Apparently the ones we do and are taught currently in Mysore are the half vins. But the older students say they were taught full vinyasa and love it. So I thought I'd give it a go, among other reasons I wanted to tire myself out so I could go to bed early-

Was all right, skipped a few and did half out of habit and didn't correct.

Okay, the real news-

When I practice at home, Sirsasana time I put my forearms on the floor and walk my feet in. That's all I can do. Can't lift up. twice I've climbed a wall but my angle is all wrong, and I don't have two walls to balance against.

Today I pushed up, legs went up, and I promptly fell over the other way. Kind of like a cool flip!

And guess what. Wasn't scared at all. Was so excited to have stood on my head for a microsecond :)

I'm off to try it again :)

a little thank you..

2008-03-16T13:25:00.002Z

i'm off to spend a little alone time on my mat now, but before I do, I just want to say a little thank you.

on Friday I was in The Tuns, which is my university's bar, which at night tuns into part of my university's student night 'Crush'. It was very very crowded, and I was making my way past the bar towards the front entrance. It was jam packed, and traffic was only moving one way, the opposite of the way I was going. People were pushing and shoving, some to go my way, the others to travel the other way.

In the queue, I got stuck between two men who were sitting on stools by the bar. They started speaking with me and were also reaching out towards me and I knew I really needed to get out of there. I mean, really needed to get out of there.

There were people pushing the other way to where I wanted to go who were almost pushing me into their laps (sometimes a sense of balance kicks in and stays, where is that during Sirsasana?) and I knew I had to do something. There was a guy in front of me who looked about my age, and a uni student. ( The men on the bar stools were very obviously not uni students but men who had come to hit on college going birds.) I grabbed his hand and said, save me. He pulled me through the crowd and into greener pastures.

Now if that wasn't nice enough, hear this. He didn't say 'what's a pretty girl like you doing on your own', he didn't say, 'shall we get a drink'. He didn't say, 'hey, you okay, what's your name?'. (You get the point).

He let go of my hand, said 'have a nice night', and walked away.

I can't think of a nicer thing to do.

funny bunny

2008-03-13T12:40:00.002Z

hmm.I'm not too sure it was the best idea to practice yesterday, and then spend the whole day in classes. I got home, made yummy food, was pretty shattered. lay on the bed for a 'flop' and I was out Slept through till near midnight! Woke up a bit confused, and pretty dehydrated. After shower, food, I fell asleep around 2.30 am, pretty confident I could make 0430.

But at 0430 when I woke up I felt dehydrated and exhausted. So although I was really wanting to go to class, I though I'd 'listen to my body' and went back to sleep. Which felt great when I first woke up, only to find out work is cancelled today, and woke up just now, at 12.44, with 20 minutes to be on my way to prepare a judgement with a mate :)

The 2nd sleep is so pointless, leaves you more tired than before. I have to stop doing that.

Practice at home rule! I really want to practice, but have to go now :(

funny bunny I am :) Want to practice, won't wake up at 430. Want to practice at home, wil sleep till I have to go.

physically fit, no physically fit..

2008-03-12T16:35:00.003Z

come on, lets move it, move it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_r2psdrQkM

watch it, it'll make you smile :)

Practice was AWESOME and weirdly sometimes even waking up at 4.30 am is cool.

so you know how i'm so pysched about being able to bind in M D, today when Guruji pulled me into left side, which is taking less effort each time, I realised, now that I can get into it, I have to actually be in it. And that means, can't breathe, can't breathe, Not even gasp, but trying to gasp. Panic, panic. Well I was rewarded with a very good.

Mr Aum Tattoo was adjusting today. He is very good indeed and has a delightful accent. (What an English sentence.) Did two new things with him today, one, in Triang Mukha Eka Pada Paschimattonasa (btw I look up all these names, I don't have them memorised:P), he told me to grab my left wrist with my right hand which I was able to do, man that is a painful pose. Its been killing me from the first day I did it in London (can't remember if it killed before, I was more flexible before, ah to be young again (joke)), but still I love it and its one of my favourites. Why, o why? It was slightly more difficult with the other wrist, as in it didn't come so naturally, had to keep moving the wrist till I got it facing the right way.

And the other, in Uthita Hasta Padangusthasana, instead of just holding my leg out to make a perpendicular shape which is what I used to do, now my teachers are pulling it up at an angle, like its supposed to be, wow you can really feel the difference! It feels great. I lost my balance though, on my left side (why does everything that goes wrong happen on my left?! I'm so confused about this whole good side bad side thing), and had to hold on to Mr Aum. But I enjoyed it.

Magic Sirsasana with Guruji, didn't do the magic lifting up thing, guess I've gotten used to trying to jump up a little bit and having teacher help from there. But Guruji literally lifts me right off the ground with just two fingers on my waist, I noticed today, (well maybe not two fingers but you get the idea), how I don;t know. But I was already jumping up but I definitely felt the smoothness of translation upwards. No weight on my head, may I add.

I'm definitely beginning to feel the fear factor in Sirsasana. The minute I don;t feel my legs against teacher's chest, I begin to wobble. What's up with that? Aren't I supposed to be young and fearless.

Today's theme for the class was, alignment doesn't matter, correct breathing, concentration and mula bandha do (David Williams) (Found that when browsing through Mysore musings yesterday). So thats what I tried to do. Noisy breathing too, but too many things to focus on jumbles me so D Williams it was for today.

What to do if you're sick: Elise has conducted some great reasearch, I'm re- posting her links here-

wrote about it here:
http://mysoremusings.blogspot.com/2008/03/should-you-practice-ashtanga-yoga-if.html

and here:
http://mysoremusings.blogspot.com/2008/03/david-williams-new-york-ashtanga-yoga.html

Wanted to write sth about my problem poses, so I can kind of benchmark myself. Well firstly my problem poses don;t really get to me as I know that everyone's body is different, and eveyrthing takes time. Mine are all the triangle poses. I guess I haven't really conceptually mastered the poses in my head, which is a lot of the game. And once I'm in the pose, I'm a bit confused about where I am. Much more so than when I'm standing on my head I think. At least I kind of know the feeling of being upside down.

Finishing poses still feel a bit claustrophobic . I've figured out what it is- the jalandhara bandha. The chin to chest lock really makes me feel like I can't breathe. So I cheat and do only 5 breaths sometimes. Oh well.

Savasana was perfect today. Had the tingling feeling all over my body that I love and the kind of far away awareness in my mind. What else could one want :)

movement is suspicious..

2008-03-11T22:40:00.002Z

to quote Ashiqullah sir, my old Economics teacher. No yoga today, although I was tempted to just see Guruji. Why?
a) I'm nervous cos Guruji's back
b) slight fever
c) I'm lazy.

But I DiD go to all my classes and lectures, which on a Tuesday is no small feat :)

thank you for the comment kind elise, per your advice, i will try 2 make it, 2mro.

stormy weather...

2008-03-10T22:20:00.001Z

got totally drenched in today's storm and after one hour of property ii and trudging through more rain, i am properly down with flu like symptoms.

read on mind bending's blog that Guruji is back I want to go to class, I do :( R U allowed, with flu?

Venezia..

2008-03-09T21:48:00.001Z

just got back from the city built entirely on water....

little bit dehydrated from all the travelling, but good :) all good.

karma yoga..

2008-03-06T23:27:00.002Z

today I'm feeling how life would be as a barrister. Have a submission to prepare for tomorrow, and apart from working all day with no sleep at all last night (hung out with my best mates till 5 am); had to close off my mind and try and forget about the submission as I went to watch flamenco with my mother!! but it made me have a proper premonition, you know when you're so busy you actually schedule out leisure activities even though you can't afford the time and force yourself to close off.

yesterday i was still sleeping off tuesday's exhaustion,so slept through my 5 30 am class, and my 9 am class. Both of which I was prepared for incidentally, one mentally and physically, the other I'd read for. But I will not judge myself, if I sleep through my alarms, I take it to mean my body needs the rest.

But I went to yin yoga with Norman Blair yesterday and really enjoyed it. More feedback on that later, as I'm busy bee barista today:)

now the easy side..

2008-03-04T21:20:00.002Z

says Denise as she pulls me into MD on my left side. Ironically, that's actually my tough side. I was a bit tense getting into MD on my good side today.

Still haven't perfected the grabber grabbee business. Practice, practice, and all is coming.

Sirsasana is feeling different everyday, for the better or worse I don't know. Today I put a lot of weight on my head- sth I hadn't really done before and I know I'm not supposed to do. But somehow it felt unavoidable. Strong core, strong bandhas, neither of these are making any sense to me yet. Today I felt the sense of fear of fall. The minute Aileen let go of my legs, I was toppling, looking for her support. Strange. I miss Guruji the magician. This morning there was a male adjuster and I had taken off my glasses, and for just second I thought he had returned... (It was someone else. I haven't seen a male assistant teacher before.)

Today I came in late, for the first time. What had happened is I had re-set the alarm for 4.50 and ended up waking at 5.50 or something. My instinctive reaction is to say 'curses' and go back to sleep. (I don't really say it, just an illustration of the emotion.) But since my new rule is practice at home when you can't go to class, and since I eventually would have had to get out of bed anyway, I thought instead of having a cold practice alone at home I'd try it. Go to the shaala late. Very ambitious for me!! (I was encouraged by the thought of my first few days when I'd be late as I still couldn't find the place, or I'd stand outside waiting for someone to let me in not wanting to push the doorbell,etc).

Non AYL go-ers will find all this talk funny. See the thing is, the shaala is very small and cozy and gets very busy. So people queue up for a spot, people practice in the finishing room in every possible space (as it is we all practice right next to each other), the other day I saw a lady practice in the changing room. And while before all this started at 7.00, nowadays I notice it starting at 6.30. So not only am I lucky to have a slot at all, I'm also happy to have the earliest one. There is often a little competitiveness in the air for a slot.

It is all of this and also not coming when I've been told to that puts me off going in late. But brave it I did.

My slot was free when I came in at 6.35 but by the time I was ready it was gone, and so were all the others. I wasn't fussed at all though, just didn't know what to do, wait or start in finishing room? Also all the mats I use were off the shelves- anyway lovely Denise (she's so awesome) got me a mat and I started in finishing room. Then people near me who had started in finishing room went off to main room so I figured that was the etiquette, to move from one to the other, so after 2 people had left the f room I decided I needed to queue up, so after Surya Namaskaras I queued up. Got a slot, started my practice, and just behind me came up this other lady and she looked peeved. Think I took her spot. I wanted to give it up but Denise said no I came before her. I don't like causing conflict.

When I started my practice I was next to a lady (who said the starting prayer, I followed her in my head, thank you for that) and we started together. But my breaths were a lot shorter than hers I notice. I guess again that'll come with age, and time.

Its been lovely and warm in the shaala last few times. Some proper sweating going on which I LOVE. Winter was awful with the no sweat and now its coming back, yay! i'm convinced that's the whole reason I can do MD at all-

During Savasana a lady chanted the closing prayer. She had a lovely soothing voice. Ommmmm...it stayed with me and I kept chanting it in my head and it really calmed me down. Thank you for that.

Experienced some serious exhaustion today. Slept through EU lecture, somehow managed to stay awake for my favourite class, came home, straight to sleep, from about 5 pm to 7 pm. Like shatttered exhausted. Well I guess I only slept two hours last night..

You know how I say I don't want to want benefits from yoga? Well now I do. Constipation remedies, please. O please. And no more gas.

I think though from today's competition I will be a bit more motivated to go to class on time :)

a quiet practice..

2008-03-01T12:34:00.003Z

yesterday I did some yin yoga. I started off with a pose that we did in Norman Blair's class, but then followed a routine recommended in Paul Grilley's book. I preferred what we did in Norman's class though, but I thought I'd try it.

Not comparing at all, and I really enjoy the yin, but its nice to have a sequence to follow, so you don;t have to think, oh what next?

Spent some time in Siddhasana, my all time favourite pose, but sitting on a pillow with a blanket over my knees. It was nice, I had to change the position of my arms and fold them in my lap instead, the blanket obstructs, but I think it is more comfortable to sit on a pillow as your hip is elevated above your thighs - that's the advice Paul Grilley gives anyway :)

The day before that I woke up at 500 am, and it being a yoga rest day, I watched Gandhi instead. It made me very, very sad. But more on that, when I'm ready.

Siddhartha has been read and returned. But the words will come when they do, I won't force them :)

tremor..

2008-02-27T22:49:00.003Z

last night's quake really shook me up. heartbeat increases, worst case scenarios, the works.

it was about 4 am by the time when I get to sleep, so I had pretty much written off going to the shaala. although I did wake up and thought about going, but the post alarm snooze lasted till 0615, which is way too late.

But I've decided that the days I don't go the shaala shouldn't be the days I don't practice necessarily. So I went to my brother's room and had a nice little practice, true, my attention does drift off a bit on my own, but there's something very intimate about practicing on your own, and peaceful. I enjoy that.

Tried climbing the wall with Sirsasana but that doesn't really work for me. And no go with M D.

Had a proper nap in Savasana! I haven't really done that before. Got the idea from another yogi blog, so when awake relaxation wasn't working, I grabbed the double duvet and drifted off to sleep.

Lucky I did practice though, as today my holiday begins So time to rest.

she's got it all figured out...

2008-02-26T22:55:00.002Z

How I admire the yogis who practice in the morning and then skip off to work! I seem to experience a period of deep rehydration craving and general physical fatigue, and the need to constantly drink water and get rid of it too is not too tolerant of my back to back classes and lectures schedule. But this doesn't happen for about one and a half hours after practice, immediately after practice I'm all fresh and bright and intelligent.

Today's practice involved the lovely Denise pulling me into Marichasana D on both sides! A feat that has remained unaccomplished for a while- strangely enough, when I first started M D, I was able to bind, albeit with a LOT of difficulty, on both sides. I only noticed my left-side weakness much later- after coming back from winter break etc. Strange how the mind can convince itself that it can't do something. M D on the right side has gotten a lot less strenuous, with today actually being able to breathe!! (shock, horror ). Couldn't breathe on my left though, gasp gasp gasp was me.

And yes, have figured out which hand is the grabber, on the right its the right, and the left, the left. And for the twisty ones for the right its the left, etc.

Sirsasana wasn;t anything special today, except that I crashed and fell, which was fun ( my legs crashed onto the floor from the air and I'm not being sarcastic, it was fun.) I try to make my core strong in the air but it feels really light. I really like the feeling of doing Sirsasana though. It forces me to concentrate my energies on one spot. Into a thin line.

Sometimes I think my balance improves with Urdhva Padmasana, and I put my hands on my knees, other days I'm not confident enough and keep my hands on my hips. I enjoy the finishing sequence though, it calms me down.

Karna Pidasana makes me feel suffocated though and I more often than not hold it for 5 breaths.

I'm trying to improve the arch of my back on Matsiyasana and Uttana Padasana. On Sunday, my sister took a few pictures of me in pretend asana and I noticed that I don't really lift up to the sun in Urdhva Mukah Svanasana. Been trying to work on that today, but its tough, somehow. I don;t think my angle was always this low, I think I pushed up higher earlier. Strange how I always seem to digress :) meta-lessons, meta-lessons.

The pictures came out nicely (on my profile + yesterday's post) but were funny as we were at mom's place and my sister kept saying 'why do you roll your eyes' and mom kept saying 'won't you two eat?' I know this whole taking pictures thing is against the whole destroying the ego thing but it was fun on Sunday and the pictures give you an idea of what you look like. I'd like to watch a practice video of myself sometime. I'd also like to take proper pictures with a professional photographer , with me doing my whole practice with full concentration.

I was concentrating hard on my ujayi today, noisy puraka, noisy rechaka. (Noisy breathing). Lot easier to noisily exhale then inhale. I was being especially conscious on the beautiful Surya Namaskara B where I haven't really mastered the breath count yet and seem to take in a few in between. Nancy Gilgoff emphasises a lot on this, I read somewhere.

Missed a class today. A class I never, ever miss, and today;s topic was Public Interest Litigation in India. Sigh, what if I do become a Public Interest Litigator? Oh well.

Thank you 17 unknown people who have stopped by at this site!

The 'she' in the title is not me, btw,

the cost benefit analysis..

2008-02-25T22:21:00.006Z

I walked home from Uni today. Was with a friend upto Highbury and Islington and we took our time. I bounced off what I want to write today on her, makes it much easier to put into words if you say it first. One of the reasons this blog came into being is the discussions I have with my boyfriend, and I seem to enunciate my ideas more clearly in speech Of course it works the other way round as well, sometimes can write, can't speak-

been cruising through lots of ezboard and yahoo last few days. wow, even talking it through makes this hard to explain. I'll start where I can

I learned Indian Classical Dancing from quite a young age. Dancing itself started at age 4 in London, luckily enough, it was ballet. I loved it and still do. Around age 7 in Bangladesh, I started Bharata Nattyam. It kileed me. I didn't like my teachers, my back hurt, it was too strenuous, no fun. The pain made me cry. After a few months, I was taken to a couple of Kathak teachers, and jackpot on the 2nd try. Munmun Ahmed, my teacher for many many years, introduced me to the graceful North Indian style and led me through it step by step for many years. True, she wasn't a typical dance teacher. But the experience does allow me to find the system of Ashtanga yoga well, normal, really.

Now yahoo groups comes in. Was reading a post there about how its pointless to go to Mysore, how Pathabi Jois charges too much, Ashtanga Yoga is cultish, Western teachers understand Western students much better, more beneficial to go to a Western teacher, etc etc. (Too lazy to find it but if anyone wants, comment and I'll link it through). Found it- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ashtangayoga/message/11217 And I read Alan Little's opinion, he really is such a good writer and his writings show him as a good person.

I'm not at all bothered by any of this. No heated discussion at all here. I was just thinking how none of these things I read makes me doubt P Jois, or makes me want to go to Mysore any less- maybe its because I find it a little bit easier to understand the system, and have different (hopefully someday I'll have none ) expectations. The Eastern way of teaching, especially drama, yoga, art, dancing, is very different. Western students sometimes seem to think that Eastern students merely obey without questioning. While this may be true in many instances, it is not true that the Eastern students are mere puppets/ parrots. A lot of the time its because we trust our teachers, our gurus, and certainly Ashtangi students do the same. Myself as a student I was constantly thinking, questioning, yet I danced how my teacher told me to dance. And I'm so glad I did. Like the meta-lessons Alan Little talked about in his blog, I was constantly learning meta lessons and understood why I was being taught the way I was taught.

I moved to London when I was 16 and started lessons with another teacher at the Bhavan. Changing teachers is always difficult, and I had to forget a lot of what I learned, re- learn, change what I thought was best, etcetera.

Not to lose focus here. Why re-learn? Why not just say, that this is my style, and I won't change it? One of the reasons is that of the ego of the dance teachers which a student must respect. Another, more importantly, is that he has his own style and I just have to trust him. As a student, one really must have full trust in their guru.

Trust can't be confused with blind faith. Just as with anything else, like how we pick out our favourite songs and listen to them again and again, and forget other songs we heard along the wayside, one has to do that with their teachers. Some of their teachings will not be relevant to you. Our teachers are human beings and no two human beings are 100 % compatible. At this time, you just nod and smile, no disrespect, no harm done. Just like we all did with our elders growing up, knowing full well we'd do what they said not to :)

I say this with special regard to the brave yahoo poster who disliked P Jois's superstitions. My teachers had their superstitions too. I respected them, I too have my own which others may find silly. But I did not find it difficult to do so, it came naturally.

I'm not preaching, not criticising. What I want to say is, take life easy. Don't worry so much. What you take in will be your teaching. We wouldn't be human if we didn't evaluate. But a little trust goes a long way-

But I want to explain a few more things. How Guruji, Pathabi Jois teaches, is how things are taught, at least in India and Bangladesh. He is probably not a cult- cultivator, even though I really like the idea of Astangis as a cult :)

As to people prostenating at his feet, that isn't as unusual as you would think, my yahoo friend. (Hey I should send this post to him). I always touched my dance teacher's feet when I first saw him and when I left. I still touch the floor before a performance. This really bothered my sister once, 'We're Muslims, we don't 'salaam' the floor.' To me, it doesn't matter. It's a form of respect, and just that, to me. I don't think it means he thinks he's God or cult leader :)

A lot of the 'superstitions' we had in dancing, like always starting with the right foot in Kathak, I no longer follow. But as a student, it would compromise the integrity of the art, I believe. I'm glad I learned the way I did. Now I feel the freedom to experiment.

This obviously won't juxtapose onto yoga. But the idea is the same.

As to going to Mysore, all I think from the blogs and posts I read, is, why worry so much? It's a pretty place, if you like it you do, if you don't you don;t :)

I think one of the problems that a lot of people face is thinking in terms of cost- benefit analysis. I won't pretend us Eastern students are free of this sort of thinking, but the trust I mentioned does make it easier. Also the fact that a lot of the time dancing, singing, acting aren't really taken up wit a particular 'benefit' in mind :)

I'l explain what I mean. In my time off from work, I want to learn from a teacher who I will benefit from the most. In this leave from work, I am incurring any costs, and therefore my benefits must outweigh the cost.

The problem with this way of thinking, is that, well by yogi thought anyway, one shouldn't really be looking for benefit. Breaking free of this cost-benefit analysis method is difficult. Opportunity costs come up in the mind again and again. If one thinks like that, of course one's time at Mysore will be miserable. Not enough attention from teachers, no explanations, etc etc.

Breaking free is truly difficult, but liberating. Not that I've succeeded, no such pretence. Having said that I have no real aspirations from my yoga. And no expectations from Mysore, except wanting it to be a pretty place. I would like to do a headstand because its fun, and someday I'd like to do the funky leg behind the head stuff. But if I can't, no worries. If I get no further with the series than where I am today, no worries. I wouldn't be going to Mysore with the aim of finishing Primary, I only hope. I read on someone's blog (sorry can't remember the link now, lady who wrote this)- that the benefits come only when you stop looking for them.

It makes life a lot easier, no doubt. Not worrying about the actual impact on heart rate my yoga has, whether Guruji's system is 'right' or 'wrong'.

But I guess all of this is very easy for me to say. Ashtanga, for me, FELT right. And no cost benefit analysis can really explain that. Guruji, in London, FEELS like my Guruji. I rarely speak with him, except for Good Morning and the occasional giggles when I fall down in my poses. But he has this effect on me, calming, meditative, happy .

I'm surprised how no one writes about that effect from Pathabi Jois Guruji. I'm sure it is felt. Isn't that enough?

So maybe vegans won't agree with Guruji (P Jois) and his belief in drinking milk. Maybe a lot of us won't practice his abstinences and 'sex allowed today' days. But still, we can gain his teachings :)

Anyway thats my rant for the day. For my yummy sattvic lunch, check out this blog

http://devils-foodlist.blogspot.com/

(By the way no one should listen to me. i skipped yoga today)

the sunday blues...

2008-02-24T19:34:00.002Z

She's got it all figured out
She knows what everything's about
And when anybody doubts her,
Or sings songs without her
She's just so mmm

She knows the world is just her stage
And so she'll never misbehave
She gives thanks for what they gave her
Man, they practically made her
Into a mmm

She's the one that stumbles when she talks about
The seven foreign films that she's checked out
Such a fortunate fool
She's just too good to be true
She's such a fortunate fool
She's just so mmm

She's got it all figured out
She knows what everything's about
And when anybody doubts her
Or sings songs about her
She's just so mmm

She's the one that stumbles when she talks about it
So maybe we shouldn't talk about
Such a fortunate fool
She's just too good to be true
She's such a fortunate fool
She's just so mmm

- Jack Johnson.

when there's a will..there's a way..

2008-02-21T22:34:00.005Z

u must all be wondering about the title. after all, today is moon day in London. and yes, I did sleep in, slept, woke up, but slept again, because I had to procrastinate my essay.(this went on til noon then talked to bf till 1) aah the life of a student. Didn't have work today so skipped my lecture to spend the day working on my essay. Lol don't I wish.

Well next issue of procrastination. Food. Fat bf had told me about what he had for dinner the night before so of course I HAD to have it. Just below me is a Tesco Express but for luxury items one must travel wider and further. So off to Essex Road I went, what Shayan had was a wrap with avocado paste, roast chicken, and he added also cheddar,carrots,tomatoes and cabbage. I couldn't find avocado paste so I bought avocado. Bought Boursin and rocket also, but in the end didn't use them.

My avocado wrap-

Tortilla, warmed in oven

Avocado, smashed and made into paste (with some chunky bits for taste), with lemon juice and pepper

Put some yoghurt on tortilla, then spread avocado spread generously

Then my favourite part- I had made 'bhaji' (fried veggies) yesterda with brocoli,carrot and cauliflower- so I warmed that up and added it to my wrap.

Some salad cheese to taste, wrap it up, and yum! A (hopefully) sattvic yummy wrap!

And then I went to the local library (I KNOW- this is what students do when they want to procrastinate). Browsed aimlessly...and then I got Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, a beautiful book. I've read it before, actually I watched the movie first, thank you dokaandaar (shopkeeper in Bengali) for recommending it to me and making me buy it- and that was that.Found myself a copy of the book from the library (getting to the public library while working 9-5 was hassle in itself- I hadn't yet realised the beauties of amazon)- and wow. I think I'm going to read it again before I write about it.

Finally some yoga stuff, I'm sure my imaginary reader is thinking. Siddhartha has been in my head again since Norman Blair read out an extract on 'listening' during our yin yoga class. Been meaning to write about yin yoga - I'd been wanting to go for a while, and finally made it to Norman Blair's class at North London Buddhist Centre. I was a little late and they had already began. The class was silent, and we were supposed to copy Norman- I'm adding here an extract from an email I sent my friends about it -

Ashtanga, the style of yoga I do, is very 'yang'. so I wanted to try this to see if I could bring a sense of balance, and also because sometimes my body is pretty, well shattered from the 6 days a week rigour of ashtanga (although I get moon days, and my female moon days too, off, so not always 6 days)

It was different. The class was in silence (Norman, the teacher said that they don't always do it like that but they had decided to do it that way yesterday, I was a bit late to the class). What happens is Norman does an asana, and we copy him, then, you stay in that pose for 5 minutes (which is a long time by the way).He has an alarm clock, when it rings you get out of the pose. But you sit on two mats, with blankets, blocks,a bolster and a cushion with you, and you're free to use any to help you. No one adjusts you, you do as much of the pose you can, for example if you cant get your upper body on the floor while ur cross kneed, fine, just look down and bend a bit. This is all very different for me !! Physically it was all fine, except this one posture; this new leg folding posture, with one leg the way you normally cross your legs, and another foot you put on top of the first knee. Because I am completely inflexible and am like a block of lead, my foot would just not sit on the other knee, but the entire leg made a kind of triangle like position. But he came and gave me cushions to put under the triangular knee, and it was fine (He told me many times to just sit cross kneed if it hurt,but it didn't, I have luckily strong knees). The thing I found hardest was concentration. See the thing is he told us to close our eyes. Now I found that tough. But I learned I suppose that thats what I have to work towards, fine tune my concentration, train my mind.

I didn't really feel that great from the postures but I think thats more of a result of me being tense, thinking about othering things, wondering what to expect next, and trying to not generate heat for once cos not well.

Today I did some by myself at home. O i bought a mat!!I'm tremendously excited, because the mat we use at the shaala, is out of stock on the website,www.yogamatters.com, the Eco mat but I found it at the Centre. I put alarms on my phone which was funny. It was comfortable, in the sense that after i do yoga I kind of stop being all over the place and am more like, okay been meaning to write mail, will write, that kind of thing,

(Had to edit all the Bengali out of the email) Will save my other thoughts on yin yoga for another day - Just wanted to add this extract I really like that I found on Paul Grilley's website-

Yin Yoga is not "yet another" brand name of Yoga postures, it is part of a larger conception of Yoga that can be called Taoist Yoga. The fundamental tenet of Taoism is that all things can be described by their mutually complementary Yin and Yang aspects. Yin and Yang can be used to describe all things we are capable of experiencing whether they are clouds, stars, forests, our thoughts or our bodies.

Basic examples of Taoist analysis would be: There is always a front and a back to a coffee cup but we can never experience both at the same time. The exposed part of the cup is Yang, the concealed part is Yin but both are necessary to form the cup. Or consider the fact that inhaling and exhaling are opposite movements. Inhaling is Yang, exhaling is Yin but together they are the "Tao of Breathing"

Lovely, isn't it?

I also got the DVD of Gandhi, and a book with Picasso's paintings. yay!!Well I have done some reasearch since then, and if I get over this current bout of procrastinating and blogging, I will begin my all nighter and search for the truth. (Don't know why I said that, its just an essay on Article 234) Anyone know how I can check word limit without Word? Don't have Microsoft Office yet ..hopefully will be done by 5 am and then will be off to yoga. and that explains the title.

successssssss.....

2008-02-20T08:38:00.001Z

Three alarms. At 430, my wake up light, with even the sound level set to 4. (the sound annoys me so I turn it to 0). 4 45, my ipod connected to my speakers. And at 5 am, my K608i alarm (can you help me feeeel it (8))

In the event, the fear of the noise that blasts from my speakers with the ipod alarm, the bother of having to get up anyway to turn all three alarms off, amongst lesser considerations (like the consideration that I actually want to go to the shaala) made me get up. Once up everything is great. Even the cold can be braved.

My awareness in today's practice was all over the place. Way into primary, probably right up to Marichasanas. I don't know what it was, I was aware of the not so dimmed lights, the space restraints (I have people practicing on both sides of me ) which means I'm more careful to keep to my own, and the fact that one yogi by my side were doing the amazing intermediate practice, and doing crazy things like legs behind the head and loads of funky handstands and backbends. The yogi on my other side was doing primary but with all the funky hard moves.

I guess it was also because its been a while since I last practised. The difference in lighting I've noticed ever since Guruji left. I guess ideally I should not notice at all. I also wore my glasses today to practice (can't find contacts), and took them off, so had a different view. I guess when ur in all sorts of strange positions the glasses free vision can seem very different. Although, again ideally my drishtis should be in place.

All in all, good. Was feeling flexible today, funnily enough. That hasn't happened before (FYI I am like a block of wood when it comes to flexibility), and in Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana, http://ashtangayoga.info/asana-vinyasa/primary-series/02-Ardha-Baddha-Padmottanasana.htmlwhich is a favourite of mine but have some hip flexibility probs usually, esp after a long time - my legs went right up, hands right round, and head right down. I kind of thought I'd be able to do Marichasana D on my left side today ( I can do my right but not the left), but I guess that'll take more work. Marich D on my right side hardly seemed like work today. Salma is amazing. I'm so so glad she's back.Still haven't figured out which hand is the 'grabber' for Marich's yet- must watch Sharath ji's video and try to figure out, or ask Denise, she told me once when adjusting. I love when our teachers tell us stuff like that, what you'd never know otherwise-

http://ashtangayoga.info/asana-vinyasa/primary-series/18-Marichyasana-D.html

Headstand was okay. I will be persistent but not hope for progress. Bit by bit, day by day.

Not going to uni today as I have an essay to write. Glad to be home after yoga, a rare treat.

Me off to brekkie...

the best laid plans...

2008-02-19T11:30:00.000Z

ahem..it is now 1130, and i have just awoken.

the best laid plans. yoga clothes all clean and set out, my super pricey alarm on, me in bed as early as I know how, and I wake up, drag myself in the freezing cold to the loo, come back to get dressed and notice the time. 5 38 am. Not 4 38 but 5 38. Buzz kill. Such a buzz kill I crawld back into bed. (The shaala is super busy , well all the time, but from around 7 people literally practise in the changing room and sit all through the passageway waiting). I knew I wouldn't be there till 7 if I left at 6.

Well good news is the fact that I'm definitely going tomorrow, even if I have to stay up all night.

ashtanga....but how?

2008-02-18T23:39:00.001Z

I really don't know myself how I got into it...and that's why I'm going to write this..to clarify to myself !! (Since only I will read this blog anyway:P)

When I was 17 and had just moved to London on my own, I really missed dancing, and being fit generally. Strangely enough, I decided to do something about it. I joined Fitness First in North Finchley (good times), and contacted the Bhavan and found Sri Abhay Shankar Misra, aka Guruji. Which came first, can't really recall but probably the gym. Anyway I soon became super gym bunny, training 5 days a week ( background- I always kept 'fit' by dancing and other things generally all my life), dancing on the weekends, building up the strength I needed to dance. Proper gym bunny I was, high on the endorphins, loving the routine, and having a bigger appetite and less time to be lonely! It was also a lovely gym, a small one, friendly. I'd usually do the classes, sometimes 2, even 3. I started the yoga and pilates classes to stretch out my muscles, and I'd always been interested in learning to be more flexible, (I was quite flexi then). I also needed to learn how to warm up and warm down for my Kathak classes, this was a new experience for me, being in a cold country with a very different teaching style- but thats another story-

There was a girl in my dance class, called Easter. Easter is lovely. She just gives off such beautiful vibes- I can't explain it. I told her once after class that her movements are very graceful. We spoke and she told me she is a yoga teacher. I knew definitely I wanted to learn from her, and I kept that in my mind. (As a 17 year old A level student with monetary restraints and school everyday, I knew it wasn't immediately possible). The calmness I felt from Easter though, has always stayed with me. One day I told her on the train that I had broken up with my then bf. I hardly knew her. She hugged me and I felt better. (Easter teaches Ashtanga in South London). http://www.dakinis.co.uk/about.htmlI believe then I heard first about Ashtanga, but I didn't really remember the name..

Anita Didi (I think was her name) was one day before class showing another girl warm ups. The warm ups were Surya Namaskara and some others, including Uthita Hasta Padangusthasana, which looked..impossible. I was eager beaver to learn, and asked another girl who showed me. I thought the Surya Namaskara was really beautiful and again resolved to learn from Easter. (Anita Di went to where Easter taught- one random comment I remember her saying- she said there were lots of good looking guys for us unmarried girls. It was the unmarried part I found funny:)

Now I had learned the name Ashtanga and the beauty of the Surya Namaskara was stuck in my head. At FF I mostly did Pilates.

One day we learned a dance which incorporated the Surya Namaskara. The dance itself was a prayer to the sun, it was beautiful. I would love to learn it again. My resolve, strengthened.

A Levels were over, and I was beginning my new life as a self supporting working Lady. I upgraded to Platinum membership at FF in Angel (although I really didn't go as much), and it was here that I found Ashtanga classes. Instant addiction. Strangely enough, I used to do level 2 classes with ease (now that would be tough for me!) and was always surprised at how well people knew all the moves- I didn't even know that it was a sequence then!! I went to every yoga class I could find, and that was in the evening, but Ashtanga sat in my brain. A lovely teacher, Bea Fritszching Jershke, used to lead the classes. I asked to be added to her mailing list, and planned to follow her around. But I guess with my high profile job, it just didn't materialise. Besides, I had a plan. Beginning Jan I had decided I was going to save up and travel. And what I really wanted was a yoga holiday. So even though I wanted to brush up on my Ashtanga before going, I guess I knew I was going for the real thing, soon :)

I searched Ashtanga In Hawaii, Thailand, everywhere. I was confused. 10 March 2006, I emailed Bea (who I had only maybe 2-3 classes with- I doubt she knew who I was).

She gave me a host of options.Guruji being the first, but I didn't have a month, and wasn't as keen as I am now. Then she told me about Yoga Thailand. By now I had decided I was going to be in Thailand for the most part. Yoga by the beach- it sounded perfect.

Yoga Thailand was an experience. I learned for the first time what self practice was. Honestly I had no IDEA that it was like that. I had only ever experienced led classes. I LOVED it. First of all during gym classes I was always trying to memorise, keep in sync. Now for the first time I was aware of my body, the breath. I will upload all the my Yoga Thailand emails soon.

(This blog I found at Ashtangi.net nicely describes how I felt when I started at YT - except that he takes another type of led yoga class and compares it to how one's body feels during Mysore; me I compared the other way round!

http://www.ashtangabrighton.com/ashtanga_blog/2008/02/18/why-i-love-mysore/)

After Yoga Thailand though, my practice lessened. Mainly because I was travelling, but I was still dedicated, I remember once after a 16 hour bus ride and some ferrying I arrived at Kao Sarn road at 430 am. I proceeded to go to the city and take an ashtanga class. Poor fellow who took a fancy to me decided to follow me. He even convinced the teacher to let him try it for 100 baht. (class cost 500). He was beat and ran far far away (which is what I had wanted, from the beginning- mean but true). I practiced at my friends house in Malaysia. But I wasn't confident practicing by myself. I'd get bored, find excuses to finish quickly, and most of all, get tired and forget asana sequences. But like dancing, Ashtanga was always in my head, and I always resolved to start again.

I bought a mat and took it to Bangladesh. I was feverish when I flew back so I had a few rest days, but soon I started practicing. There were very few days I would get to the end of my practice, which was Marichasana D, I would usually give up much sooner (lazy bum I am). And then it hit- dengue fever. Fainting, hospital, IVs, the works. After the fever I was weak. So weak. Had to lie down all day. Low blood pressure.

I started Karate. Wado at the dojo in Dhaka city. Loved it. Went swimming ever day. Started picking my strength up. Shahid Bhai (Sempa) at the Dojo was always surprised by my endurance and flexiblity. I told him I was yogi and he wanted to learn. I felt proud. Started up again.

New year, new beginning. Lse 06. For once I thought, no expectations of myself. No expectations to go to the gym regularly, to go to dance class every weekend, no space in the room to practice Ashtanga. Why I didn't go to a teacher- let me explain. I didn't know about the whole certified teacher business then. I thought yoga in London was like FF, and I didn't really want to go back to that. I thought it was all about self practice till I could go to Yoga Thailand again. This lady called Jude who came to YT for her honeymoon told me about two places in London that taught 'real' Ashtanga Yoga- they were the North London Buddhist Centre and Ashtanga Yoga London. She told me that AYL were seriously overbooked with year long waiting lists, and even Madonna who thought she could walk in couldn't. It was also pricey with no student rates, and Jude was a real professional, I was too much of a beginner anyway. So yup, with Ashtanga and Kathak in my mind, I gave myself first year to party, get over Dengue, learn to deal with hypothyroidism, and be free. (Don't worry I swam a lot and danced in shows, so kept fit). I did my Surya Namaskaras from time to time though.

Over summer with more free time I picked up my practice again, on and off, but it became more of a 'I'm meaning to do this' type of thing rather than actually doing it.

2007 is here now. I have passed my first year and am into my second. Flat hunting hectic, adjusting in new flat sometimes tough, and then we had some problems and had to find another flat. Really topsy turvy, everything. Was flat hunting again, couldn't do school work, etc.

I'd been thinking about Ashtanga for so long. I craved it, I needed it back in my life. When I decided to move to Unite Halls , I knew there wouldn't be space in my room to practice. I had contemplated practising at the ULU gym but too many people to step around. I had been thinking about AYL forever. Ever since Jude told me about it. North London Buddist Centre only had Ashtanga one day a week that I could make. For years I'd thought about putting my name on the waiting list. My fear of being an amateur, not being good enough, not sure how long I'd be in London, and most of all, how to pay, stopped me.

But I needed my yoga back. I was frazzled, not calm, smoking too much. Not at all fit. I thought, lets do it, I emailed Hamish Hendry, why Hamish and no one else I really don't know.

I know it'll sound crazy to all of you, but I really believe there was some other force at work there. Guruji (as I now think of Hamish) emailed back, saying there was a slot if I could get there between 5 30 and 6. I was elated. I had moved to North London and found a bus/ night bus to take me there. Those emails are very precious to me still.

And the rest, is history. I am the luckiest person ever.

Yet last few days (well a month) I've been in a slump. Having trouble getting up too early. Missing Guruji, who is in India with his Guruji. I will get back into it. And thus this blog- to hold me accountable.

Look at the time. It's 00.41. Someone needs to wake up at 4 30 am !!! A chat with my love, then bed.

Much love, blog.

the first post!

2008-02-18T12:21:00.000Z

this is the diary of a struggling ashtangi. had my brand new phillips wake up light set for 4 30 am, and now it is 12 22 and i have only just awoken. miss, miss, miss. was planning to do the laundry this morning when back from class- oh well. it looks lovely outside. class is in 1 hour 30 minutes so must be off soon. tomorrow I will make class, oh yes, I will :)